I could just erase any precedent attempts at writing to you. I get so frustrated. Got all these amazing spot-on speeches in my head, soon as I try n put them down on paper(screen), it comes out all mushy and cheesy.
And believe you me, there is nothing cheesy in motherhood. It is fierce, it is raw, it is a power that wheels you through anything, it is pukey faces that you held on close, submerged by love, it is your first night at the maternity, loving that second baby in your arms, weeping for your first, scared to death for your first, for fear of losing on one child for the next, fearing not to be able to give you as much, my wonderful Rose, knowing you are home without your mama, knowing you must need me, not being able to be in two places at once.
Worrying you feel left out (you are so not!!), worrying about bringing home that little sister whose dad is going to be home, while yours is thousand miles away…
But it is almost 6 month on now, we have adjusted, you love your little sister more than anyone, I love you both so much(now it does feel cheesy but it is true, nothing is truer : love does multiply and it is not one whole pie that gets to be shared, it is one living thing, stronger in the equation).
It is waking up at night for boobfeeding for one, for night cuddles to ease nightmares for the other, it is crazy stressful times to make everyday life happen, and amazingly peaceful glimpses of watching you sleep, watching you laugh, watching you play, listening to your lovely little made-up fairy tales, your pretend world, squeezing your cuddling little warm bodies.
It is taking you to the river, butt-naking laughs in the cold water under a scorching sun, tantrums at the end of a tiring school day, getting a recipe to make you feel loved, failed recipes and little day-to-day frustrations when plans don’t bring you the joy escompted, highs from the ones that hit the spot, cutting wild flowers for a bouquet.
It is keeping your beautiful drawings, looking at your baby pictures, wallowing in the lost times of baby things, rejoicing in your growing up milestones.
It is you two who make my life so hard, so true, so wonderful, so challenging and so meaningfull…